I am a man! *PUNCH!*

I am a man.

What's more: I am a manly man.

Even more: I am a manly bearded man.

Over the past several lengths of time, I have noticed that my manly beard has received a lot of attention. Because of my beard, people are intimidated by my manly manliness. Did I ask for this? No. Am I complaining? That is for you to decide. Was I manly before my beard? Yes. Are all bearded men manly? No.

Allow me to give some examples of just how manly I am. One day, I was sauntering through the local flower thrift store. The cashier (who was of the female persuasion) smiled at me as I approached her. She asked if she could be of any assistance to me.

I said "No!" because I am one of the manliest men and have no need for flowers. With that, I walked out of the store, no doubt leaving the woman confused and charmed all at the same time. I don't actually know, but I'm sure that's what happened.

Do you remember when you read the twelfth sentence of this entry a few lengths of time ago in which I proceeded to inquire if all men with beards are manly? Despite what you think, the right answer is NO, indeed. Some people do not have manly beards like mine, but rather they have dishonorable beards. How do I know? I am a man. A manly man. Manly men (such as myself) have to know these things. This is one of the elementary principles I teach at the seminars.

There are several ways to spot the difference between a manly beard and a dishonorable beard. For instance, if a beard is nice and full and envelops the entire face, it is a manly one. If it is patchy and cannot cover the entire countenance, it is dishonorable. If a beard has writing shaved into it (which happens more often than many realize), the issue gets muddled. If the writing is legible, the beard is more likely to be dishonorable because men have poor handwriting. If something rebellious is gracing the beard, this almost instantly pumps it up to manly status, as men have no regard for society's rules (we call it man-archy). Furthermore, if a dishonorable beard is on a manly man, said man is downgraded to mediocre man and is urged to shave in as few lengths of time as possible. If a manly beard appears on a less than manly man, that man is labelled as potentially manly and the entire universe implores him to make the rest of his being match accordingly.

As this is only the first post of this serious blog, I can say that in future lengths of time my epic chronicles will be documented here for all to enjoy and for all to learn.

-MANLY BEARD MAN